The Great Hypothetical

November 22, 2011
Detroit @ Indiana, Boston @ Washington, Atlanta @ Miami, LA Lakers @ Memphis, Philadelphia @ Dallas, Chicago @ Denver, New Orleans @ Phoenix

As much as I love basketball, and my home town Denver Nuggets, sometimes early in the season something comes up that causes me to miss an entire day of NBA greatness (assuming there was no lockout, of course). Today is one of those days. I was asked a question a couple days ago by a good friend of mine and I've been thinking about it ever since. Today I decided to open the question up to the world and see if we can come up with an answer to the question that I have named "The Great Hypothetical." The friend who asked the question (for the sake of the blog, lets call him Chris) loves hypothetical questions. He asks me completely random questions all the time, mostly with no good options just to get a laugh at my answers. Every once in a while he comes up with a great one that actually takes some thought. This one nearly caused my head to explode. Here is the question: Who would win in a fight between Tim Tebow, Mike Ditka, Chuck Norris, Bill Brasky, Patrick Swayze's character Dalton in Roadhouse, and Jack Bauer (for the sake of this blog I added Jack Bauer to get an even number after it was suggested by another friend)?

BAM! Now that is a question. It seems impossible to answer (I know, I know, some of those people aren't even real so it really is impossible but just roll with me here). I've gone over Battle Royal scenarios and with that anyone can come out on top. Again for the sake of this blog, we are going to set this up as a 6 man, single elimination playoff. After deliberation with a handful of people throughout the day I have determined the top seeds, both receiving a Bye in the first round. The remaining seeds have been selected by a random generator on the Internet. Instead of an Eastern and Western, lets call the 2 "conferences" Legends and Heroes. Before we get to the actual match ups, lets become a little more familiar with our competitors.

Legends Number 1 Seed: Mike Ditka
Mike Ditka is a former NFL Tight End, playing in arguably the nastiest era in football. He has won Super bowls as both a player and coach. He was also enshrined in the pro football Hall of Fame. All of that is great, but the "Legend" of Ditka was truly brought to life by the Saturday Night Live skit called "The Super Fans." In this skit, the Super Fans determined that Ditka could win the Indianapolis 500 driving the Bear's team bus, and defeat a hurricane, even though the hurricane's name is hurricane Ditka. Who would win a fight between Ditka and God? Trick question, Ditka is God.

Legends Number 2 Seed: Road House Swayze (Dalton)
I know the character's name is Dalton, but every time I hear that name now, I think of the red-headed quarterback for the Bengals. Plus its more fun to say Road House Swayze so that's what we're going with. Road House Swayze is an expert cooler, which is a bar bouncer who can break up fights without getting killed himself. The owner of the Double Deuce in Jasper Missouri hired Road House Swayze from New York to handle nightly outbreaks of violence. He is seen doing Tai Chi, but he uses western boxing and mixed martial arts in all of the fight scenes (thank you http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098206/ for that tidbit) which makes him deadly in multiple aspects.

Legends Number 3 Seed: Tim Tebow
Fitting that Tebow landed in the Legends Conference because he is quickly becoming one. Whether or not he can actually throw a football consistently has yet to be seen, but absolutely nobody can doubt his toughness. He kind of reminds me of Rocky, which fits for this because not only is he the underdog, but he's also a "South Paw." He can be beaten up for 3 1/2 quarters, but just when you think you can knock him out for good, he finds the strength to pull out the victory.

Heroes Number 1 Seed: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris, American Badass. That should be his legal name. CNAB was a star actor in the likes of Walker, Texas Ranger, The Way of the Dragon, The Delta Force, and Sidekicks among many other tough guys films and shows. He also actually won The National Karate Championships in 1966, and World Middleweight Championships in 1967. Yet after all that, he still looks the same now as he did then! A possible explanation for this is that Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just doesn't have the courage to tell him yet.

Heroes Number 2 Seed: Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer is the main character on the television show 24. He is a top agent for the Counter Terrorist Unit and has also been known to work for the FBI. On a day to day basis Jack undermines the plots of evil people to defend the United States of America, protecting both civilians and government administrators alike. He has been known to use torture to get information he needs for there is no expense for our safety. Entertainment Weekly named Jack one of the Top 20 Coolest Heroes in Pop Culture, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

Heroes Number 3 Seed: Bill Brasky
Bill Brasky is the only member of our elite 6 that is 100% fictional, not even played by a real person. Brasky is another product of Saturday Night Live and is almost half man, half myth. One thing is for sure, Bill Brasky is "a son of a bitch!" Some interesting things of note about Brasky: He is a ten foot tall beast man, who showers in vodka. He framed Roger Rabbit. Bill Brasky also ranked 18th in the AP college football poll.

Now that we know our competitors, let the games begin! With Norris and Ditka on a Bye, our first 2 match ups are Jack Bauer vs Bill Brasky and Road House Swayze vs Tim Tebow. To determine a fair and unbiased result for each match we are going to the AccuScore NFL Playoff Simulator. The simulator generates percentages based off 100 "times played" so I will post the winning percentages. 6 Teams make it to the NFL playoffs in each Conference with 2 receiving Bye's in the first round so this works perfectly. I did a best 2 of 3 coin toss to determine the overall number one seed and the winner of that was Ditka.

Heroes Round 1: Jack Bauer vs Bill Brasky
In a bit of an upset Bill Brasky takes down Jack Bauer 55% to 45%. A toast to Bill Brasky indeed. Brasky was not about to be tortured, and being that National security was not on the line, Bauer must not have given it his A game, and came up short. As they say, "a toast to Bill Brasky!"

Legends Round 1: Road House Swayze vs Tim Tebow
The 4th quarter could not help Tebow in this one as he falls to Road House Swayze 66% to 34%.  Tebow got some good shots in but Road House Swayze was finally able to put him away with a massive round house kick. When asked how he felt after the fight, Road House Swayze answered, "Pain don't hurt."

Heroes Championship Round: Chuck Norris vs Bill Brasky
In an extremely close bout Chuck Norris hangs on to take down the man beast Brasky 52% to 48%. The ageless Norris was just too much to handle. Much like Road House Swayze, Norris is a master of the round house kick. Norris' edge might have come from the fact that under his beard there is not a chin, but yet, another fist. Between the 3 fists and kicks of fury Chuck Norris won his way to the Championship Round.

Legends Championship Round: Ditka vs Road House Swayze
We can't be sure if there was in fact divine intervention in this one, but Ditka holds off Swayze 58% to 42%. Road House Swayze had 3 rules: One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice. There is no being nice in this competition and he learned that the hard way.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND ANSWER TO THE GREAT HYPOTHETICAL: Ditka vs Chuck Norris
It all comes down to this. The 2 number 1 seeds have held their ground and made it to the finale. Time to leave it all on the line, there is no tomorrow, insert cliche here. The winner and champion of the world is...... (Drum Roll......................) Chuck Norris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chuck handled Ditka fairly easy in this heavy weight bout winning by a score of 60% to 40%.

Well Chris, we finally have an answer to your seemingly impossible question. Before I take too much flack, I too agree, I'm a huge dork for spending the time to write this entry. None the less, I hope you enjoyed the suspense as much as I did. More real stories and takes on actual things from here on out (I hope).

Until Next Time,
Dan